Just a piece of crap day

There will be a day with no more addictive meds, no ODing, no fear of the future. Because you know what, I’m terrified. I’m laying in a hospital bed after taking over 70 klonopin and almost 2,000 mg of seroquel.

Again, I’m scared. The alimony my husband is sending isn’t even close to what I need. To be on disability you can make no more than 733 in Maine. I’m not getting much more. But im so scared. The nurses at Yotk Hospital have been wonderful.

I hope I can do this, I’m damn well gonna try. (Tears in eyes)Good luck to all of you out there who are struggling as well. We can go this! I don’t know how, but we will!

Role I was Born For

Taking a look back

I’m not sure if I want to be in a relationship. Not when it’s with someone who doesn’t have feelings that exceed my own. 

I’m not sure why that is. Initially it sounds safer, but isn’t that what I’m recovering from? I felt secure with my ex husband. He was my partner. More partner than anything else. I never dreamt infidelity  would creep it’s way into my life. I was unhappy and unfilled. The vows I swore meant something to me. I know it wasn’t real.  Experiencing an enveloping sadness prior, created this illusion that any improvement was a new found happiness in CA

.

It was time doing what it always does. It heals all if you let it. I was assaulted before. I needed relief, support, and love. I got none of that. I was made to feel dirty and unwanted.  Every bit of healing came from within. I prefer it that way.
Being married was a lonely experience.  Ive found that the times in my life when ive been the loneliest, I’ve in the company of another

Obsession

INTERFERENCE ? I disagree. He’s  not interfering with my routine, he enhances the monotony of day. I feel beautiful and new. This intoxicating sensation seems endless. I’m falling, and I welcome the abandonment. He is everything to me. For without him, would I feel so free?

Pretty Pictures

Painting pictures, wild abandonment intertwined in measured stillness. 

Each imperfection, every line gone array, is showered with color. 

Amber rays and lavender showers.

Vibrancy is key. 

No filter, no shame.

Just perfectly imperfect unvarnished truth.

Just Thinking

My husband has a girlfriend. 

Stoned, sad, looking for a distraction.

We just separated. That thick stack of printed papers in that mocking yellow envelope sit in the corner. 

You love her? I count the months from summer to fall. The warmth of the sun has barely dulled from my skin.

We all choose our path. How we live and love is all beautifully unique. I try and take comfort in beginning the discovery of who I am again. 

For now a warm blanket, a cup of tea, and a good movie are in order.

You Too?

I am me. Everything I’ve always been with room for improvement. My flaws are uniquely mine, with spirit to share. Am I expendable to you?

What you give me feels genuine. Yet the uncertainty of true reciprocation does nothing but take.

The View From Here

Taking the time to actually realize my feelings has been difficult over the past two months. I never believe divorce was in my future. Initially I felt certain years of emotional anguish were to come before any type of healing were to transpire.
Turn off and move.
Forget what you feel, who you are, and how you arrived here.

Everything is a welcomed distraction. 

Mindless ways to pass the day. 

Don’t write, don’t feel, no actualization.

Anything not to hide the tears.
Today I sit with only myself and my thoughts.

Where is the pain?
Did I pass it over? 

Did I subdue my introspective mind to such a degree?

Today I’ll write.

 I’ll let go and ride the wave of uncertainty.

Healing Heart

When is it too soon to let go and carry on? Unpredictable tangents of tumultuous energy both restrain my heart or sends me soaring. 

Find the pulse, mend the wall, free the mind of prohibiting expectations.

Helplessly Hoping

Helplessly hoping her harlequin hovers nearby

Awaiting a word

Gasping at glimpses of gentle true spirit he runs

Wishing he could fly

Only to trip at the sound of goodbye
Wordlessly watching he waits by the window and wonders

At the empty place inside

Heartlessly helping himself to her bad dreams he worries

Did he hear a good-bye?

Or even hello?
They are one person

They are two alone

They are three together

They are for each other
Stand by the stairway you’ll see something certain to tell you

Confusion has its cost

Love isn’t lying it’s loose in a lady who lingers

Saying she is lost

And choking on hello
They are one person

They are two alone

They are three together

They are for each other
Beautiful right?

-Crosby Stills and Nash

I can’t Believe It!

I haven’t even had this blog a year yet and it feels so majorly important to me. I’ve written a great deal of poetry here. I’ve also touched quite a bit on mental health. I’ve really combined the two in a book that I’ve written through Flutter Press. This is so exciting! It’s called “I’m Still Here.” 

http://createspace.com/6445470

Thank you for the support I’ve gotten from all of you. It means so much!