Just a piece of crap day

There will be a day with no more addictive meds, no ODing, no fear of the future. Because you know what, I’m terrified. I’m laying in a hospital bed after taking over 70 klonopin and almost 2,000 mg of seroquel.

Again, I’m scared. The alimony my husband is sending isn’t even close to what I need. To be on disability you can make no more than 733 in Maine. I’m not getting much more. But im so scared. The nurses at Yotk Hospital have been wonderful.

I hope I can do this, I’m damn well gonna try. (Tears in eyes)Good luck to all of you out there who are struggling as well. We can go this! I don’t know how, but we will!

Taking a look back

I’m not sure if I want to be in a relationship. Not when it’s with someone who doesn’t have feelings that exceed my own. 

I’m not sure why that is. Initially it sounds safer, but isn’t that what I’m recovering from? I felt secure with my ex husband. He was my partner. More partner than anything else. I never dreamt infidelity  would creep it’s way into my life. I was unhappy and unfilled. The vows I swore meant something to me. I know it wasn’t real.  Experiencing an enveloping sadness prior, created this illusion that any improvement was a new found happiness in CA

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It was time doing what it always does. It heals all if you let it. I was assaulted before. I needed relief, support, and love. I got none of that. I was made to feel dirty and unwanted.  Every bit of healing came from within. I prefer it that way.
Being married was a lonely experience.  Ive found that the times in my life when ive been the loneliest, I’ve in the company of another

Just Thinking

My husband has a girlfriend. 

Stoned, sad, looking for a distraction.

We just separated. That thick stack of printed papers in that mocking yellow envelope sit in the corner. 

You love her? I count the months from summer to fall. The warmth of the sun has barely dulled from my skin.

We all choose our path. How we live and love is all beautifully unique. I try and take comfort in beginning the discovery of who I am again. 

For now a warm blanket, a cup of tea, and a good movie are in order.

The View From Here

Taking the time to actually realize my feelings has been difficult over the past two months. I never believe divorce was in my future. Initially I felt certain years of emotional anguish were to come before any type of healing were to transpire.
Turn off and move.
Forget what you feel, who you are, and how you arrived here.

Everything is a welcomed distraction. 

Mindless ways to pass the day. 

Don’t write, don’t feel, no actualization.

Anything not to hide the tears.
Today I sit with only myself and my thoughts.

Where is the pain?
Did I pass it over? 

Did I subdue my introspective mind to such a degree?

Today I’ll write.

 I’ll let go and ride the wave of uncertainty.